What does Band 7 writing look like?

I was recently asked to give feedback on a writing task 2 question by a follower of my page who has been using my book Cambridge Vocabulary for IELTS Advanced’ and was unsure of his current level.  His previous test result was:  Listening 8, Reading 7, Writing 6, Speaking 7, and he is hoping to improve his writing score in his next test.  Below is the writing task question and answer he sent me followed by my feedback.  I have highlighted problems in the answer in yellow. 

Here is my feedback on the answer as well as a guide to how to improve the language problems.  

As you can see with the final criteria, Lexical Resource, vocabulary is a big problem at IELTS band 6.5 – 7.  Using my Vocabulary books and apps, you can build and improve your lexical resource and finally achieve the score you need.   You can check out my apps here: 

Now read the comments about lexical resource.  Do you make any of these vocabulary mistakes?